Hey, I know I never post, I never feel the real need, or have anything I feel is interesting.
Buuuut, as it stands I need somewhere to vent, which is really all this is, right? Somewhere to vent anonymously, catharsis is the psychological term, well... By definition it's the physical release of emotions through an activity, like screaming into a pillow or punching a wall, I think this would count as such.
I'm rambling, sorry, I shouldn't apologize but oh well. Still rambling, so I'll just sum it up, or not, depends how I feel, still rambling. shit.
Well, things have been dandy for me, I've been happy in a relationship for five and a half months now, I've had a really contempt feeling for the most part, a very modest happiness I suppose.
Have you ever had a feeling, that someone that just spontaneously left, would one day ever return?
I was really torn on the matter, like most things in my mind, I have too many opinions and outlooks on too few of matters.
I suppose I'll summarize it, my love interest for the first two years of highschool, we were best friends, talked day and night, I always had a thing for her, and she said she knew, but she just strung me along, which I'm grateful for because it made me grow balls and do things I wouldn't have normally done before.
There were at least three occasions she had came to me, crushed, and all I could do was stand there and hug her, if anyone has ever influenced me more, it was her. She's the reason I want to be a psychologist/psychiatrist, I wanted to be the one to take care of her. I thought love was being able to enjoy caring someone through their rough patches, and and being able to laugh the rest of the time.
It's really hard for me to keep a conversation with anybody, I'm too terribly boring.. But with her, We could talk weeks on end and never have an awkward silence or nothing to say.
But things started getting complicated, I won't go into depth on this part because I still don't understand it myself completely, but we stopped talking, and eventually not at all, I'd see her around campus, being happy, and it would tear me asunder inside.. I had found a reason to drop something at her doorstep (not literally, I had a painting of her that I entered in an art competition and I was going to give it to her) so I wrote a letter to her saying my final goodbyes, and she retorted with another letter. It was the single most thing that had made me happy for months, I had closure. We had a picture perfect ending and I was ready to move on.. But, later she had told me she could see herself spending her life with me, how could I leave? I couldn't! I said I would wait for her to be ready, but we rushed it, we dated for 6 days, then she broke up with me. She wasn't the same. She had changed, I had changed, and we never spoke again. She robbed me of my closure, I thought I moved on after half a year, that's why I entered this current relationship. I thought I would never see her again, although there was a part of me that held on, mentally preparing myself for if she did.
I'm a very intrinsic person, If I don't know what I'd do in a situation, it terrifies me, for several months I thought I'd act with anger, or if I'd just loose my shit there. Then i gave it more thought, and figured I could be noble, "Hello, thank you for making me the person I am (but shattering my psyche, thanks)"
Then, whilst preparing for a party, I looked at the note she had written and I picture I had of the both of us, and I figured I was ready to let go and throw them away, just four days later, she adds me on facebook.
Mother fucking universe, how dare it throw me a curve ball like this. I felt more emotion in those two instances than I have in , well I suppose it makes a year and half... Jesus, talk about time, eh?
Well, now you're pretty caught up.
She wouldn't have added me if she didn't have the intention of making contact with me, right?
She's very picky about her friend's list, she only has 70 friends, and I know she knows way more than that.
Part of me really wants to say hi and thank her, but the other part wants to make wait and make her message me first. I don't think I'll hold out... maybe I can dig that letter out of the garbage... fuck...
I hope you all are having a lovely day
